The tale of the crop circles

26
Oct
2018
Author Pamela Merritt

The Malone Telegram covered the story.

Farmers Report Damaged Crops

"It was like paths had been trampled into the field, but then there would be this much larger area."

More Trampled Crops Discovered

"The damage is spreading to the west, but it covers a range of crops," according to a Cornell consultant who has collected samples. "We are testing to see if it is insect damage or some kind of plant disease."

Cornell Finds Crops Healthy

"Some unknown factor is creating a lack of cellular support. Like a steamroller or other heavy object had driven over them," was a concluding sentence in their report.

Local Teens Questioned

"We considered it a prank until we realized the extent of the acreage involved," said police spokesperson. "This is an ongoing investigation."

Aerial Shows "Crop Circle" Pattern

Law enforcement plane photos reveal geometric shapes like the spokes of a wheel. Farms in the Dickinson area are most heavily affected, but the patterns extend all the way to Chateaugay.

Wind Farms Cleared

"Come on now," said a local meteorologist, who would only make a statement anonymously. "The blades turn in the wind, they don't create it."

Observation Blinds Manned at Night

"We're stocking up on sandwiches," reported one local man. "Difference from deer season is we don't know what we're looking for."

"Mowing Devil" Rumors Addressed by Clergy

"There is no Mowing Devil," stated the pastor of a local church. "That is a rural myth that doesn't even belong to North America."

Cereologists Consulted

Elbert Einkorn and George Triticale have flown in from the United Kingdom to lend their expertise. They have published articles in a leading journal for crop circle studies.

Matthew Williams Claims Innocence

"Just being the first guy to be prosecuted for crop circles means they always blame me," complained Mr. Williams in an overseas phone call. "Besides, I had to give that up because of my hay fever."

Estimates Range Into the Hundreds

"It would take a very large group of people to make so many," Elbert Einkorn stated in a press conference at town hall. "While this is a simple pattern, the wavy line at the edge is extremely intricate. I've never seen anything like it before."

Fall for History Event Burglarized

The Franklin County Historical & Museum Society has reported their King Arthur Flour baking competition will have to be suspended this year, as all the pies were stolen in a daring midnight raid. "There was no sign of forced entry," said a police spokesperson. "So we are looking at an inside job."

Flash Mobs Theory Disproved

"They would have to practice somewhere," said George Triticale, consulting cereologist. "This is not something where you just show up and do something, it needs to be coordinated. If a human did it."

Local Diners Hit by Pie Raiders

An expanded investigation is looking at all doughnut shops. "If this is some kind of ploy to drive people to a different kind of pastry, it won't work," declared one local man who accepted cake with his morning coffee, but was not happy about it. "I like doughnuts as much as the next man, but nothing beats pie."

Pie Shacks Guarded by Volunteers

"Our local Amish community is kind enough to share their baking expertise with us by offering their pies for sale, and we will support them," stated a local woman who admitted her crust is too tough to bring to family Thanksgiving dinners. "I got Fred's deer rifle. He's partial to blueberry."

Startling New Crop Circle Shapes

"This is incredible!" It was hard for our reporter to interview the expert cereologists who were crawling through the intricate new patterns, but Elbert Einkorn said there would be a statement after analyzing the aerial photos. "These plants stems were actually woven instead of flattened, and fused in some kind of vegetable glue."

Cornell Announces Translation of the Formula

The extensive new crop circles were recognized by a Cornell chemist as a formula for a substance which, when analyzed, revealed itself as a startling new fertilizer that seems "designed for hops."

Mayor Declares New Breweries Welcome in the Area

"Our alien visitors must have heard about our pie," Mayor Smith declared at a press conference, announcing that some profits from the anticipated hop crops will recompense for the stolen pies, and will contribute to funding for new craft breweries.

"It took a while for us to understand what they were trying to communicate, but it seems they were trying to pay for the pies they took with this gift from our mysterious visitors," he said.

"And next time, they will want beer."

This week in ADK news:

Into the deep 

Kiwassa curse

A headless lumberjack

Her soul lives on

Sasquatch watch

Shadows in the Notch

Harbinger of doom

 

 

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